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Garden gate — No. 8                        BY NO MEANS THE CHURCH TIMES                         SEPTEMBER 22, 1981

Canon blasts the 'Nazi' paramilitary Brownies

IN a hard-hitting sermon preached at the church of St. Oswald on Lindisfarne, where our correspondent happened to be holidaying at the time, Canon Paul Orifice launched a strong attack on paramilitary uniformed organisations in the Church. Over-use of the Union Jack in Divine Worship already caused much offence in our multi-faith, multi-racial, multi-storey-car-park society, he said, and to see little girls strutting about in brown uniforms was reminiscent of the worst excesses of the Third Reich and should be a cause of deep con-
cern to all committed Church people.
    The Politico-religious interface is not a laughing matter, he added, and whilst he applauded the use of girls and women as Owls he could not but be concerned at the Freudian overtones so clearly evidenced in the worship of Asherah thinly disguised as a toadstool, which might indeed with their hallucinatory propensities lead to drug dependence.
    His aged and frail congregation, in an unprecedented display of emotion, stood up and ran out of the church seeking Brownies wherever they might he found.
    Any suggestion that Canon Paul Orifice's comments should be taken seriously was denied by Deaconess Penelope Blodwin, District Commissioner, who claimed that her little girls were in no way revolutionary. They were likely to grow up into hard-working wives and mothers who would care only for their husbands and families and would not meddle in affairs either political or religious.
    She added: "There will he no 'Night of the Long Knives' because Brownies are not allowed long knives at night except under close supervision."

' Woman in pew' shocks Fr. Brown

A woman

FATHER Fank Brown collapsed unconscious in a dead faint at his altar last Tuesday and had to he revived with a litre of gin after he saw what he described as "a young woman" in his congregation. Father Brown, still visibly shaken by the experience, told reporters that he had just concluded a service for Ecclesia in Avebury Stone Circle when he realised there was an intruder
    "You could have knocked me down with a maniple-fringe," said Fr. Brown. "Naturally I have heard these people — what do you call them — young women described, but I had never seen one and never wanted to, yet one of these persons arrives here uninvited at our own private rites."
    The Rural Dean of Avebury said later that he had no knowledge that a young woman intended to be present at Ecclesia's ceremonies, but Fr. Brown replied, "If Fr. Stanton were alive today he would be 147 years old."

Churchwarden 'for women'

MR. Worzel Gummidge, 92, and for 57 years churchwarden of  St. Dichotomy's Church, Nothing Doing, came out strongly in favour of women priests at last Wednesday's P.C.C. meeting. Mr Gummidge said, "Happen I think them a good idea."


Fun on tap at Brighton

Brighton were treated to a
surprise demonstration of tap-dancing by Jack Buchanan by the master of disguise, the Rev. Richard Griffiths, who regularly gives up part of his vacation to bring the Good News to holiday folk under the banner of Christian Recreation and Pastimes.
    "Thank you for mentioning me in your newspaper," said Mr Griffiths. "The Lord has richly blessed us with two weeks of sunshine and marvellous empty beaches."
    Next year his team hope and pray to go on a European tour and bring some Joy to the belles of St. Tropez.


There was no truth in the story as printed in last week's edition of Not The Church Times that the Royal School of Church Music was going to remove membership from all female members.

Georgian first sod

THE Bishop of Manchester, the Rt. Rev. Stanley Booth- Clapboard, presided on Wednesday at the inauguration of the new Josephine Butler Memorial Church. Bishop Booth-Clipboard praised the work of the Liturgical Commission in placing Mrs Butler in the ranks of the Blessed.
    Then, with a silver-look Georgian-style trowel, he cut the first sod. Bishop Booth- Cupboard, in a long but delicately-phrased speech, said that he hoped no-one would take it personally. This church, he said, marked the begin-
ning of a completely new ministry in the diocese. If Josephine Butler were alive today she would be one very old lady.

Churchwarden comes out

MR Alvin Smith, 32, church- warden of the parish of St. Jonathan with St. David, SE1. came out on Friday. Neither his vicar nor the Bishop of South- wark had any comment to make.

    Body Count — Palace bag this week: three teal, five mallard, one widgeon, four pigeons and a tourist.
    Shock Horror — History was made last Tuesday at the annual service of the Huntingdonshire Pathfinders in Peterborough Cathedral, when the Bishop was accidentally handed a copy of the Alternative Services Book. A verger commented that luckily the St John Ambulance Brigade were on duty and were able to resuscitate him.
    Largest Hassock — Three hundred members of the Salisbury Diocesan Mothers' Union have just completed the largest hassock in the world, measuring the exact dimensions of a cricket-pitch, to a design by the famous Icelandic amputee, Bath Loofah. The Dean, who received it on behalf of the Cathedral, said it was anaesthetic milestone in man's essential search for artistic selfawareness.
    Mothers' Union — The parishes of Nether Newminster and Newminster Provost have combined to form a branch of the Mothers' Union entirely composed of the wives of Bishops. The enrolling member said that it was an achievement of which they could all be very proudie. An outing to Warminster is planned to watch flying saucers.
    Water — It rained in the Diocese last Tuesday.
    Choirboy — When 8-year-old Solomon Squattle took his place in the ancient choir-stalls of St Mungo's-in-the-Bog Booth Clibborn Parva, he became the fifth generation of his family to sing in the choir. Not only does he join his father, his grand- father, his great-grandfather, and his great-great-grandfather, but they all share the same surname.
    Target Achieved — After many years of prayer and effort the Diocese achieved its target in the translation of its Bishop to the see of London.



"I had nowhere to go and nothing to do," says Jules, aged 61, a retired manicurist from Bexhill, "until 1 went to ACCM and they gave me a grant to go and do just that at this wonderful college."
Jules' story is typical of many. Imagine the joy many feel when your generosity enables them to enter an institution which gives fulltime care exclusively to people like him.
  Your contribution, however small, will help.

£10 names a bottle of gin in memory of a loved one
£50 buys a wheelbarrow
£250 buys a two-seater wheel-chair
£1000 buys a queen-size de-luxe water-bed with wave-effect

Send your donation — old pieces of lace — anything, to:
The Bursar,
Ripon College, Cuddesdon, 
for Retired Gentlefolk,

SOLUTION to competition:

All the headlines are genuine

Pilgrimage to martyrs'

I T was wonderful to see so many committed Christians getting out of a taxi for the annual pilgrimage of the United Protestant League to the Martys' Memorial in St Giles, Oxford, on Sunday.
    Members of the Fountain Trust provided corporate humming as a copy of the Book of Common Prayer was laid at the foot of the monument and a message of goodwill from Mr Billy Graham was read out by the Ridley Fellow of Oakhill, Mr Bob Jones, who presented the League with a balsa-wood representation of Mr Cranmer's right hand.
    After coins had been tossed into the water-stoups of St Mary Magdalene and wishes made, a red cross was painted on the door of St Ebbe's and the League retired for Benediction.


Antinomian, Apollinarian, Arian, Docetist, Donatist, Eunomian, Eutychian, Gnostic, Manichaean, Monophysite, Monothelite, Nestorian, Pelagian, Unitarian.


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Joke Diocese .

IT was angrily denied this week that the so-called Diocese of Europe was, in fact, a Joke Diocese. Speaking on the occasion of the completion of the seventh in a series of 14 new pro-cathedrals. with 20 archdeacons and canons, the "bishop" pointed out that, far from being a joke, it was in reality, NO joke at all.
    "He's right " said one of the 25 Canon Commissaries of the "bishop". "It is hard work slaying away in the piazzas
of Venice and the palazzi of Florence, not to mention the cares and burdens of the day in the Canary Isles, Monaco and Tangier (which has a style of its own). Of course we need more cathedrals and more canons — where would we be without them?,"
    Asked why service in such exotic, entertaining and jolly nice places also won more OBEs than the rest of the church
put together, a representative for the "bishop" said it was a reward for the tedious travel and putting up with foreign food, embassy receptions, apres-ski and the imponderables of life on the Continent. It is not as though there were any other churches on the mainland.
    It is understood that plans are well in hand in Synod, however, to move the European Gathering (Joke Diocese) Supression Measure, which will put an end to all this fantasy.

The Honeycomb

In place of the Honeycomb this week, we have a new and exciting competition. All you have to do is look at the newspaper headlines listed below and decide which of them have appeared in the Church Times this year and which are false. Which are heads and which are tales? Answers at foot of page.

1. Pope's smiling jaws
2. Three rings — and ask for Charlie
3. Aborigines championed by WCC
4. Aborigines: WCC team criticised
5. Final bid to lighten Hull's darkness
6. Ministry of the clown
7. Keep the lights in vicarage burning!
8. Sexist language in ASB
9. Fairy-tale weddings ' only a beginning'
10. From cricket to a life for Christ

(Solution at bottom LH of page)

Blessed Randall Davidson
(Church of England) School

A committed and practising Marxist is preferred:
   Number on roll: 37
Opportunity for expansionism. Close cooperation with Militant Tendency at local Labour Party.